I suffered a state of depression some time back when I was involved in an emotionally difficult relationship while at the same time trying to complete a law degree at university. The relationship eventually ended and I did completed my law degree. I am now doing my final professional year for admission. In those difficult years I felt so low, confused and lost and did not know which way to turn. There were times when I felt suicidal. I had thought of ways of killing myself – playing it through my mind like a little movie. I thought of how it would look and how all those I knew would react to it. Those thoughts really frightened me at the time. I used to say to myself “how can this be … how could you be thinking this way-” When I look back on it now I find it really hard to believe it was me.
It all got that way because I just felt so helpless and confused and didn’t know what to do or which way to turn. I thought it was the only thing to do to make all the pain and anxiety go away. You may think you have no where to turn or that it is all hopeless. But you have to believe that things will get better. I sought help from all sources – friends, family and doctors. While at times it felt like all the help and advice only made things worse I knew that having people around to talk to did in the end bring me around and help resolve things.
A psychologist I saw said that given what I was going through he was surprised I had not turned to drink or drugs. Even in the state I was in I knew that drinking or taking drugs was not the solution. It had never been a part of my life before so I knew that given the way I was feeling I had to keep what ever wits and sanity I had in tact and not be numbed to all that was going on. I have tried various medications and some made me feel worse and some made me feel better. I don’t take medication anymore and have not done so for at least 7 years. I feel I can now take control of my thoughts and emotions in situations and deal with things affecting me without letting it get the better of me or needing to resort to medication. I have now been able to address things in my life and deal with issues.
I suffered the loss of my mum to cancer when I young. I was one of five children under 14 and we all had to ‘get tough’ and get on with life and help our dad out. When I hit a certain age, being in a realtionship with a girl who had a child from a previous relationship, all the social pressures and not knowing where things were headed with my life and work etc it all just came out. There were so many weird emotions that had just been locked up for so long.
I feel so much stronger now and I feel better within myself because I know I have the abilty to overcome whatever is now thrown my way. Life is a process and we are growing and evolving each and every day. Don’t ever throw it away. There is so much out there. We need to be stong and stick together and help each other get as much out of life as we possibly can. I have had friends and family who have been in the same situation so I know that depression and the threat of suicide is a very real issue.
I would never like to go through the same experience again but if I do, I know that suicide is not the answer. You always have to believe that no matter how bad things seem they will always get better. You have to try and take control of yourself and say “I can overcome this, I will get through it because I am strong”. Help is out there. You are not alone and you don’t need to be alone.