7th October 2002

Apparently I sound obsessed or whatever they want to say, I used to care and worry what everyone was saying about myself or Mathew after the day I found him HANGING from the roof of the shithole he called home for a little while. I am not sorry for the way I thought or I handled it, or didn’t apparently (I don’t think I have coped as well as I thought looking back now). I tried the hardest not to lose myself in my grief and bring everyone else down especially Tehgan, as she was only 3. But I did hope that people might understand if couldn’t cope with the overwhelming emotions that I could not control. I unregretably loved my brother unconditionally, I was and still am absolutely devastated by the actions and how he went or didn’t go about changing the way he couldn’t cope with life (not trying to sound sorry for myself) but fuck it ripped my heart out after all that I and others did to try to help him and as you probably guess by now I, I think I am angry or maybe just confused by what and how he chose.

I thought after all the love and support I gave him he should have warned me what he was feeling the night of 6th October 2002 and instead of misleading not only myself and every one that he was starting a new life, job, home but that he was really starting a new ending (his own) by his own choice and gave no one the chance to help him, see it wasn’t the right one. (Or maybe in our eyes) Or are we just being selfish, his children, mum, dad, siblings, grandparents, aunties, uncles, and all he left behind. I am not sure to what my point is at the moment but all I know is I have promised myself and Mathew I would tell his story one day. I am not sure if today is the day. I just need to do whatever I am doing to keep sane because I feel I am losing whatever grip on this situation I had, maybe it’s just grief.

I want to one day tell a story of an extraordinary person a little weird, in the end but I don’t care his name IS MATHEW REGINALD (REGIE) YOUNG. Sometimes by Mat’s weakness not continue this destructive cruel path he was passing on some strength that he could not find in himself to survive- I don’t know, people would probably lock me up in some whatever because of the way I am talking, thinking but maybe because they are scared to express their true feelings. As Mathew was, I have no bullshit religious beliefs there is no fucken god here to save us, only we can, maybe, from ourselves and other destructive minds and down right cruelness. I don’t know, I am not perfect that’s for sure but I do have a strong need too help others from whatever it may be (self-destruction) but for some reason I have not wanted to believe that my own well being and mind was at harms reach from this kind of nastiest I always thought if I could (help, save others) I could stand up to anything that faced me. But obviously not, I was, am as naïve as every other fuckhead concerned about everyone else instead of myself and who really is important in life.